just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
