Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
