I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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