Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
