I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
