also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
