this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
