I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
