my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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