I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
