I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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