hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize