I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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