God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I wear drunk well.
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