God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize