you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
