i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
