Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
