But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
