Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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