Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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