I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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