Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
