the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
