if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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