You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
