he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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