i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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