Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
