Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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