I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
