She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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