Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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