i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
