trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
