A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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