last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
