in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
