Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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