If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
