My nipple is on Facebook.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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