She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize