My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
