you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
