he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
