He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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