By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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