the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
