I cannot find my penis.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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