well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
