Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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