Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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