It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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