Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
