Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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