I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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