I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
